My New Year’s resolution is to “forgive” those who spoke harshly
That snapping noise you hear is the sound of New Year’s resolutions being broken.
All across the nation, folks make new resolves only to see them dissipate by the first weekend of the New Year. I am no different, but, there is one resolution I intend to keep this year!
I aim to excuse all of those readers who have had something nasty to say about me and what I have written throughout last year. Hear it now — I forgive you!
Actually, most folks don’t want to be forgiven of something they don’t think they did wrong but I find it a conversation stopper. Whenever I am confronted with some irrational, irate reader who wants to give me a hard time, I let ‘em speak long enough to get their grievances off their chest. Then, I smile and respond, “I hear what you are saying, but, I forgive you!” It stops them dead in their tracks as they contemplate what it is that I am forgiving them for because in their misguided minds, they have done nothing wrong.
These folks don’t want to be forgiven; they just want to be right and to put me in my place.
Another ploy that I use with folks like these is to say, “Well, if that’s the way you feel, I’ll just mark you off of my list.” If I have a pad or a piece of paper, I feign marking their name off of “my list.” Let’s face it; nobody wants to be marked off of “a list” – unless it’s a telemarketer’s call list. Sometimes this little charade leads to a sensible conversation in which the offender attempts to placate me in order to get back on my imaginary list.
Both responses are never the reaction folks expect and most often I walk away leaving them in total bewilderment. Try it sometime. It works.
In any given month, someone is always trying to get me fired. Newspaper columnists (and reporters) endure this perennial hazard. There were several occasions last year when readers have opined as to why this newspaper would allow my outrageous writing to appear in print. It is quite often suggested that I should be fired which is impossible because I don’t work for the paper. I am what’s known as a freelance writer. But, editors have a perfect right to refuse to print my stuff any time they desire. No one ever has but that doesn’t keep a few readers from trying to get me canned.
Newspaper editors are accustomed to such antics and for some it happens weekly if not daily. As I have reported previously, some editors have a “firing reporter” for just such occasions. When I was an editor/publisher and even though I owned the newspapers, there were still folks who, I suppose, wanted me to fire myself. But mostly, they were irate about something one of my reporters had written. When they walked into my office to complain, I always agreed with the reader and said I would take care of their complaint immediately. They figured I would privately confront the “offending” reporter and set him straight. Instead, while the complainer was still in my presence, I would call into my office the employee whose “turn” it was to be fired.
I would tell him that this reader has complained about something he had written and right before the complainer’s eyes I would announce loudly, “So-and-so, You are FIRED!”
It never failed to bring an open-mouthed reaction from the complainer and they would immediately commence to plead for so-in-so’s reinstatement. They would squirm and implore, “I didn’t mean to get anybody fired.” I would respond with, “No sir-ree-sir, you are totally correct in your complaint,” whereupon, I would turn to the “firing employee” and say, “Get your stuff out of your desk and I never want to see you in this building again.” As the reporter left my office with head hung appropriately low, Mr. or Mrs. Complainer would become hysterical in their insistence that I not fire the reporter. Sometimes it was not even the reporter who had written the story in question – just some poor soul who happened to be nearby.
After much pleading, I would always relent and say that I would give the fellow his job back, but he would be on probation — (This prevented future outbursts from the same reader.) The complainer would leave my office quite relieved that he had convinced me to give the poor fellow his job back. And, by this time, had forgotten what it was that he had come in to complain about. I always bought the “fire-ee’s” lunch that day.
Last year was no exception as several folks tried to get me fired.
I was even “PhD-ed” a couple of times. For some reason, a few readers think that adding letters before or after their name somehow adds more substance to their opinions. I was a college professor for more than a dozen years and was around gobs of PhDs on a daily basis. I found that once you get beyond what they term their “field” (abstract medieval Bulgarian Poetry and such), most of them really didn’t know any more than average folks. Once in a while I get “MD-ed” and sometimes I am “Reverend-ed” but the PhD ploy is always the ultimate phallic symbol.
Keep those cards and letters coming folks. I will continue to write as long as the Good Lord gives me a mind and as long as the vast majority of readers continue to approve – as they now do by a margin of more than 25 to 1. This column appears in several newspapers, on the Internet and pops up weekly in other venues. I promise when the proper time comes for me to cease writing this column, I’ll personally make that decision.
So, all you folks who have complained, bellyached or have been outraged by this column and who have had really ugly things to say about me and what I write, I just want you to know:
I forgive you!
But, the jury is still out on marking you off of my list.